The fifth anniversary: A rundown of Monday (Part 1)

I don't go to the cemetery very often anymore. A regular, biweekly (or sometimes weekly) attendee that first year of widowhood, I don't think I've been there since...um...maybe the last death anniversary? (Okay, that statement isn't entirely true. I did go back to the cemetery once or twice last fall, with my new camera in hand, but I didn't actually go there to "visit" Charley or to sit and talk to him, cry, gain a cathartic cleansing. I don't know if I'd been there for a grief-fulfilling visit since I went alone last June. But I can't actually remember for sure....)

Aside from her request over Father's Day weekend to go to the cemetery, Anna has been extremely indifferent about visiting her father's gravesite this past year. Last year, she was more enthusiastic, curious, and proactive about visiting it--probably because of the relative novelty, for her, of being in close proximity again to the cemetery after we left Sandy and moved back into Civilization. I asked her two or three times this spring if she wanted to go the cemetery while we were near it, and every time she said no. I didn't push the issue.

She didn't really protest* going to the cemetery on Monday, the fifth anniversary of Charley's death. (*After a nap, that is. Before the nap, she was a rather major Piss Pot, and I don't know if a cemetery sojourn would have been so well-received.) She'd spent the night before at my parents' house, and she'd had a rather rough afternoon on Monday, despite attending the birthday party of her little best friend from preschool. Between falling off the merry-go-round (twice, no less), having no idea how to go for blood (i.e., the candy) during the pinata free-for-all with 20+ other kids, and being extremely upset with Mommy because I wouldn't let her go in the fountain/"sprayground" area of the park when the party wound down (we simply didn't have time), Anna was in full meltdown mode by about 2:00 pm on the death anniversary.

Really good timing, of course.

I elected to skip my photography class that evening and instead give both of us a much-needed nap; afterward we'd go to the cemetery and, hopefully, have a nice dinner out.

After a nap, we were both in much better moods. Anna didn't protest going to the cemetery and cheerfully picked out the flowers she wanted at the store.


And this may sound crass, but our visit to the cemetery on this Supposedly Significant Day was really no different than dropping a movie rental back off in its dropbox. Really touching and sentimental.

We took Charley the flowers. We put them in the vase. I took some pictures of Anna to mark the passage and change in her--and us--over the years.


But what I forgot about, amidst trying to take pictures of a semi-humoring/semi-unamused child, was to even say anything to or about Charley. We didn't even linger around his niche much, aside from when I had my camera to my face. Other visits I've talked to Anna a bit about her father or encouraged her to say anything she wants "to" him as we stand next to his niche. But I didn't even think of it this time.

And don't worry--I'm not beating myself up for it, nor do I even really care. The tenor of each visit changes from month to month and year to year, and this year, we forgot to really pay lasting attention to why we were there. And I didn't even realize the oversight until right now as I'm writing.

I know Charley wouldn't care. A consummate scientist and agnostic/atheist to the core, he believed that nothing happened when you die. You're alive, and when you're dead, you're no longer there. End of story, to him. He'd be the first to tell us that he's not there, that there's no need to visit or take him flowers in the first place.

If anything, he would have had fun watching his daughter gallivant around and seeing the many silly faces she makes.










After two years now of being Mommy's camera model, she's such a ham. And did I mention cute? (Biased? Me? Never....)

I know he would have had no problems with any "irreverence" in our visit, and moreover, he would have gotten a good laugh out of watching as Anna started to play hide-and-go-seek around the angel statue near his niche. (Last year the games were peekaboo with Anna's hoodie; this year it was the statue, it seems.)


I was too busy being in the moment with our beautiful, fun, vivacious child to think about why we were there--apropos of many things these past few weeks and months.

Once Anna had had enough of Mommy's camera, we went downtown and ate outside at one of my favorite restaurants (and one of Charley's too). With fabulous pasta, nommy bread, good drinks, and sinful desserts (and reasonable prices and portions), it's a pasta lover's Carb Heaven. I tend to frequent one of the restaurant's half-dozen Portland locations on bigger grief days...or on any night I want to go to dinner and don't mind having to drive more than 5-10 minutes, and Monday was no exception. And fortunately, Anna loves the restaurant too. A win-win, all the way around.

We perused the menu.


We had fun while we waited for our food.


We ate.


Anna colored.


And when we were done eating shortly after 8:30 pm, I debated about taking us to a movie to extend my We should do something fun on death anniversaries philosophy. And while I knew that with our naps, Anna'd be fine for a late movie, I was worn out. It hadn't been a particularly trying or difficult day--it was pretty normal, death anniversary or not--but I was tired of being in Observant Widow mode. I was ready for my PJs, our couch, and maybe some TV or mindless Facebook time.

So we headed home. And I asked Anna if she wanted to sleep in my bed that night, which she (of course) did. By 11:00 or so we were in my bed, she playing her Leapster for a last few minutes of slow-down quiet time and me perusing the photos I'd taken that evening. By 11:30 the lights were out and we drifted to sleep.

And if it hadn't been a supposedly significant day on the Grief Calendar, you never would have known it was anything but a normal day.

Which was rather nice, actually.

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P.S....But there's always a bit more too. We did end up going to PIR on Tuesday evening, and there were a few telling details to the days. But those will come soon, I hope. Stay tuned....