Pending: 2 days

Yes, I know. There are only two more days until the fifth anniversary of Charley's death. Time is going quickly this summer...and I still don't mind.

A few years ago I would have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting a potential gush of grief to well up as I closed in on the infamous date. But so far, it hasn't really happened. I make no blanket statements that something won't come up in the next few days, but for now, I'm glad that my boat's not being rocked.

I think part of the ease and my magnanimity has to do with my attitude the last several weeks. I'm tired of living with a foot planted or dangling over Death's sandbox; I'm ready to live away from it for a change. Sure, grief will come and go in the months and years to come--I don't expect that to change--but I'm ready for a divorce. I'm sorry, Grief, but this relationship just doesn't work for me anymore, and it hasn't for a long time. I'll grant you temporary visitation rights at certain times, but that's it. Sign here, please.

Moreover, I don't want the fifth anniversary to be a big deal. I did much of my reacting and grieving in the first six months of this year, and I didn't really expect or anticipate that it'd be hard then. I gave it its due, and as much as I can control it, I don't feel like giving this particular date any more of my energy and attention than it already has. (Knock on wood....)

This isn't how I expected I'd be reacting with only a few more days to go. But it's finally gorgeous, hot, summery weather here now and most likely, it's my last summer to get to be home with Anna...so I'm squeezing every bit of enjoyment out of it as Anna and I can. I don't feel like being sad and cranky like in other summers.

(And in all honesty, I think a lot of my attitude is because the end is in sight, with Anna starting kindergarten this fall. When I was laid off 6 1/2 months after Charley died, I decided (more or less) to stay home with Anna til she started school. And I won't lie--it's been both wonderful...and waaaaaaay harder than I ever thought it would be. Being a full-time stay-at-home mom has added a different dimension to my grief and life than I think it would have if I'd stayed working these past five years...and now that she'll be in school every day, it feels like it frees up a huge load of emotional and physical energy. And I want to enjoy every last minute of this time with her while I can--summer, fifth anniversary, or not.)

Who knows what will end up happening over the next few days...but I'm not spending my time fixating or preparing for it either.

(And now back to Anna's and my pre-"scheduled" programming of summer fun....)